What if I told you there was a book that could completely change your life. One that would flip your bad attitudes and habits on their head and one that would heavily improve the relationships you foster with your family and friends. A book that was thought to have greatly influenced the life and attitudes of Warren Buffett, and Oprah Winfrey. One that allowed a family friend of mine to be promoted to a position that usually takes ten years to achieve after he had only worked at the company for two years. A book that was given to famed actress Donna Reed by her chemistry teacher when she was a sophomore in high school. One that gave her the tools to get the lead in the school play and to be voted campus queen. One that aided her to become a successful actress later in life.
How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie could very well be considered one of the most influential pieces of self-improvement in history. Although it was published in 1936, the principles still hold true and are relevant in our lives today.
It is a book that has been very influential for me and my life. Hence, why I decided to pick my favorite quotes, passages, and principles from the text to share. Dale Carnegie’s legacy is vast and there are many books one can read and learn from. You can even take a Dale Carnegie training course on the invaluable art of winning people’s favor. So, this would be a great place to start in applying the principles and shaping your life for the better.
The Russian writer Leo Tolstoy, later in his life turned away from writing novels and began both a Christian and social justice reformation. He wrote in his 1900 “Three Methods of Reform, ” “Everybody thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
Nearly one hundred years later, the pop-music icon, Michael Jackson responded to an interviewer from Ebony/Jet Magazine that Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror,” was his favorite song. In response, Jackson said, “If you want to make the world a better place. Take a look at yourself, and make a change.”
There’s some truth to what Tolstoy and Jackson said. With all the grief we give others for how they can clean up their act or get their act together, we never really stop to think about what we might do to improve our own yard before complaining about the yards of our neighbors.
So, sit back and enjoy the advice from Carnegie’s book and, please, take it to heart; I promise it will improve your quality of life and leadership greatly.
Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation
How rare is genuine, honest, and specific appreciation? As it turns out— very rare. A person can go their entire lives without ever being graced with actual appreciation for their efforts and hard work. It’s something that people thirst for. Something they crave. Something that is rarely satisfied. So the person who comes along to satisfy that craving will most definitely be a welcome friend anywhere they leave those little trails of gratitude.
Dale Carnegie writes, “Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,’ and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime— repeat them for years after you have forgotten them.”
A kind complement just takes a minute to relay, but it can have effects that are lasting and drastic. You may never know the effect of your gratitude because what may be nothing to you means everything to the person who is receiving that much needed recognition. When people feel that their achievements are seen and truly appreciated they are more likely to keep going with their positive behavior. To put it simply, praise the child that comes home with a perfect report card, don’t ignore them the way so many people do.
Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
There is only one way to get people to become interested in you. Yes, just one. And that is to become genuinely interested in them. People care more about their wants, needs, and interests than anything you have to offer. People are generally self centered in this regard. They care more about their own trivial problems than a hundred famines in Africa and a thousand earthquakes in Japan. The things that don’t directly affect them don’t nearly matter as much as the things that do.
If you really want to make other people excited about the things you’re excited about and mourn the things you mourn and if you want to share the things that you care about with them, then you need to care about the things they want to share with you. You’ll make more friends in two months by being interested in other people than you will in two years of trying to get other people interested in you. And you should be interested in other people because other people are interesting! Every single person that graces this Earth knows something you don’t.
Have you ever thought about that? Everyone.
The only way you’ll figure out what they know and you don’t is by listening to them. “If you want others to like you,” pens Dale Carnegie, “if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind: become genuinely interested in other people.”
Smile
Although very simple for anyone to do, smiling is the perfect way to show people that you’re friendly and possess goodwill. A simple smile says ‘I like you.’ It says ‘I’m approachable, friendly, and nonjudgmental.’ Carnegie compares smiling to the way a dog is happy to see you. Dogs are so popular due to the fact that they have an unconditional friendliness about them. They don’t want to sell you life insurance and they don’t want to marry you. Carrying that same energy and having an unconditional friendliness fosters an approachable persona. Carnegie includes a wonderful advertisement that a department store in New York City put out during the holiday season that is worth relaying here.
The Value of a Smile at Christmas
It costs nothing, but creates much.
It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.
It happens in flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits.
It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.
It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.
Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.
And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying, some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you leave yours?
For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!
The Only Way to Get the Best Of An Argument is to Avoid It
Most people don’t care to change their opinions on their political leanings, the way they like their hair cut, their religion, the way they feel about socialism, or the way they like their eggs served at breakfast. It’s not that people are necessarily attached to the way they think or do things themselves, just that it’s their way of doing things. It’s my hair cut. It’s the way I serve my eggs. It’s my views on socialism.
So directly contradicting and starting arguments with people about the things that they will most certainly not change their opinions on will do nothing but breed resentment. It won’t change their minds, it will only make them dig their heels in further and become even more convinced their ways are correct. Changing people’s minds takes subtlety. It takes deliberate and calculated moves. So unless it’s something that absolutely needs to change, which it almost always is not, it’s better to leave it be and not get into an argument about it.
And the question arises, should one try to correct an individual and risk an argument if it is not a matter of subjective opinion, but a matter of objective fact? Even if they know they are completely and fully in the right and the other person is utterly in the wrong?
Dale Carnegie advises against it. Whenever you feel tempted to do this, just think of this verse:
“Here lies the body of William Jay,
Who died maintaining his right of way—
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.”
Carnegie writes after this verse, “You may be right, dead right, as you speed along in your argument; but as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong.”
Let the Other Person Save Face
If you must find fault with another person, one of the best ways to keep them from getting defensive is allowing them to save face. One can do this by pointing out their own faults and mistakes rather than criticizing the other person.
When the person doing the criticizing has a generous and forgiving attitude. Carnegie inks, “Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.”
The legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupèry wrote in his novel Wind, Sand, Stars: “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes, What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
So, let the other person keep their dignity! By allowing them this it opens things up for the mistake to be corrected without hurt feelings and resentment.
In conclusion, these few points have only just scratched the surface of all the advice Dale Carnegie has to offer. There are so many Dale Carnegie resources that one can use to sharpen their leadership and public speaking skills. The advice he gives is priceless and timeless. Adapting these techniques will bring about lasting and instant results that will refine your relations with acquaintances, family, and friends for the better. How To Win Friends and Influence People is a book that brings a sense of happiness to those who read and live by it. It gives a feeling that life truly is completely and utterly beautiful, especially when you foster and shape the world you live in to be full of close friends and warm acquaintances.