We here at The Jester recently got an “unreal” opportunity to interview the CEO of the College Board, a mission-driven non-profit organization connecting students to college success and opportunity.

Mr. John Doe invited us onto his yacht for an interview. We asked him to provide some words of wisdom to the students at Regina Dominican High regarding the fun college process. Here is what he had to offer:

Jester: Thank you for having us. This is a lovely yacht. How are you today?

CEO: I am okay. Just trying to figure out how to spend the excess money the company earns from students frantically taking the SAT and AP courses, which is kind of a headache, but…

Jester: How did you get the company to the success it is today? Did you have a humble beginning? How can Regina girls follow in your footsteps?

CEO: I’ve always known my true passion was to create stress and financial burdens for every American teenager and their families for generations on end. Once I realized that, it was pretty much a straight path to College Board HQ for me.

Jester: Do you have any advice for the students at Regina Dominican? Especially the ones just beginning the college process?

CEO: Take every SAT standardized test you can, every chance you get! We now offer summer dates, as well as the extra SAT Subject Tests. There are 10 subject tests you can take for only $26 or just stick with the SAT and pay $47.50 or take the SAT with Essay for $64.50. No matter your score, you can always do better. Take it again!

Jester: Thank you, but we actually both finished taking the ACT and are happy with our score.

CEO, polishing Rolex: What about AP courses? Have you signed up for those? Colleges will only accept you if you take AP courses. Actually, who even cares if you take the course? Just take the test! Only a small fee of $95. Why not just take it? You have a slight possible chance of getting college credit! Do you speak German? You look like you speak German. Do you want to take the AP German test? And maybe even order an AP German prep book? $35.95?

Jester: Actually, we take Spanish and Latin, and we’re very happy and almost overwhelmed already with the AP classes we take now. No need for any more.

CEO: I think this interview is over. Thank you but please leave.

Jester: We’re on a yacht….?

CEO: Should’ve taken AP Swimming.