It’s come to our attention here at the Jester that many people are unhappy with the reasons they’ve gotten detentions, and we wanted to help. We tried to go back in time and fix that, but it didn’t work, so we did the next best thing and compiled a list of ways to avoid detentions in the future. Without further ado, here are 9 tips for making your 2018 a stress-free, detention-free year.

1. Keep a PERFECT uniform on at all times– no excuses. If you really want to play it safe, ALWAYS wear your uniform. Including after school. On the weekends. In the shower. Even during the summer! You might want to keep it on that first year of college, just to be safe from any uniform detentions.

2. Keep your pristine, perfectly stitched knee socks up at all costs, so you look proper and professional. If they keep slipping down, ask your teacher if they have some tape, or a stapler, that you can borrow. You don’t want to be caught in imperfect uniform!

3. Never talk! Ever! You can whisper, but it’s risky. Constantly keeping your mouth shut will ensure that you’re never disrupting anything ever. Causing a disruption can result in a detention; avoid at all costs. This also includes sneezing, coughing, breathing, and saying your Showbie isn’t working.

4. Don’t get distracted by your iPad! Everybody knows that iPads— and even all modern technology, like computers and cars and penicillin— are witchcraft and never to be used, ever. If you don’t want to get distracted by your iPad, might we suggest a slate tablet and small piece of chalk?

5. NEVER bring coffee to class. Instead, try getting eight hours of sleep…. Wait, what? You have ten hours of extracurriculars and homework every night in addition to being at school all day? You know what, forget this one.

6. Eating in class? You know better than that. The recommendation from many nutritionists that you should snack throughout the day is CLEARLY fake news. Think about your PRIORITIES for a second. Would you rather live a healthy lifestyle or have a detentionless record?

7. Tardy? Rookie mistake. If you’re running late to school, just get out and walk. If your pioneer ancestors could walk all the way to Oregon on foot, you can ditch your car on the highway and just run to school. Always be prepared with your fastest running shoes next time so you an avoid those pesky detentions!

8. Don’t ever laugh at anything! You might seem distracted and earn a detention for this. To avoid such a situation, always think about things that make you sad. A few suggestions: Marley & Me, boot cut jeans, Rachel taking Ross back in the Friends finale, your 7th grade school picture, the career of the Tide Pods PR person, people who tag themselves in their own Instagram photos.

9. Last Rule: always serve your detentions on time no matter what. But you won’t need this one, because you’re never going to get a detention ever again, right?